[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
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Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Bluesky is fine but every single post on my feed is talking about twitter and how much better things are than twitter and it’s giving big “oh I’m TOTALLY over my ex” vibes
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Me: “I wanna fit into my old clothes again”
Google: “Eat differently”
Me: “No, not like that”
Google: “Exercise more”
Me: “Not like that”
Google: “Leave me alone then”
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.