Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband of the year 😂

My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds

I get it laundry no one is doing me either

“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus

(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds

God has left this place

6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”

As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.

One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.

We also don’t have a second floor.

you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?

I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.

My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀

Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.

Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger

I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…

it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely

[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first

*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly

Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.

[Running out of gas in the desert]

Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.

Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.

Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.

A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”

Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms

Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger

[months ago]

Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.

Genie: And now we wait.

I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks

Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.

I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.

Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows

I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.

[first date]

Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?

Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.

Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?

Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*