[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
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DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.