[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
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Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further