Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.

Me: Same.

Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.

[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”

The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.

We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.

A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.

[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM

For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me

Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.

bro what is going on at twitter

DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:

-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money

They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.

* deletes account

*reactivates

AND, ONE MORE THING…

Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.

Magician: Is this your card?

Me: Yes

Magician: And this?

Me: Yup

Magician: How about this one?

Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet

Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?

Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.

My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.

Don’t be afraid to love yourself…

…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.

The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family

anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after

Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.

But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?

Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries

Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.

Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.

Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.

[getting pulled over]

Me: R u a bear cop?

Bear cop: Is that a problem?

Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop

*mauls me for bad pun*

g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?

me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener