Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.

Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!

me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.

me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS

Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.

Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.

If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.

*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”

WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.

THERAPIST: is this true?

ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?

I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.

ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?

CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?

ME: I am not.

Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.

hacker: ready?

weapons guy: I was born ready

[25 years earlier]

doctor: it’s a boy!

midwife: where did he get nunchucks

Checkmate, Flat Earthers

It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car

I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.

If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk

[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug

[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university

There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.

Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.

(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*

19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’

Me: ‘It’s fine.’

hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to

Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.

If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail

Do zombies go to heaven when they die?

I hope so.

There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.

The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.

After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”

You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”

Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”

…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”

me: [gets on one knee]

GF: [gasps]

me: [reaches into pocket]

GF: OMG

me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot