Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!

son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me

me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books

So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?

Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.

Her: That’s fine by me!

*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*

Adult: What’s that a drawing of?

Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family

My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER

*crashes your wedding

Why aren’t you answering my DM?!

people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone

Who called them Underpants ?

And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?

Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-

Wife: No

“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly

“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100

And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”

This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.

2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over

This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

[First day as an exterminator]

Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.

Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD

saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people

I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington

Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”

If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?

My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.

A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?

Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.

If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?

Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.

Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.

Because that child would not be OK today.

The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.

Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?

The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.

“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*