me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
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If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
man’s car is covered in blood and tree leaves
Police officer: what’s with the blood?Driver: I hit a lawyer
Police officer: that explains the blood, but what about the leaves?
Driver: I had to chase him through the park first
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email