Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
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I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???