Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
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Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird