Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
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Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it