Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
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Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Overheard:
“You like Dragon Ball? Who’s your favorite character?”
“Um… Steve. Steve Dragonball.”
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
