Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
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I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds