Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
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[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.*3 years later*
Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Anyone want a chair?
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
My cat is like a shitty Roomba that picks up all the dirt off the floor, but then just deposits it onto the carpet.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers