Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
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How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’