Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
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Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
President The Rock Obama
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona: