Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
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When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
🏙👨🏼
