Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: should we give it a dry rub

CORONER: get out

A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?

Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish

Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes

I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.

Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*

People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb

Pixar: How did you get past security?

Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-

Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?

Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good

“What’d you do this weekend?”

I was shooting craps.

“Oh you went to a casino?”

*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.

Them: Go big or go home

Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice

My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.

Um, a what now?!

This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH

Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”

I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..

Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.

To remind myself that I control the list.

Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.

This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.

There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.

[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship

I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.

The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.

A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.

chiropractor: so what can i help u with today

me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman

repaired

Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.

Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting

The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol

I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.

-Everyone’s mom

HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*

receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days

On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵

If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.