me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
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*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
do you think my neighbors will mind if i make their outside xmas decorations look better
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
astonishing how whenever you go to the post office the queue in front of you is made up almost entirely of people who appear to have ended up at the post office by accident, have in fact never visited a post office before, and have no idea what they want out of the experience
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.