Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium

I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.

The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone

The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party

This is painfully accurate 😅

The only occasions in which I will run:

– Zombie apocalypse

– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs

That gap in my resume is from when I was lost at sea.

Me: *points to donut case*

Her: How many would you like, ma’am?

Me: Yes.

So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?

how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider

ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*

HER: excuse me, do you mind?

ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking

my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on

Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.

Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.

Me: Is that why I’m-

Boss: That’s why you’re working.

I think my cats hate people as much as I do.

Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.

doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!

nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet

me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*

my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone

Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?

That’s Twitter now.

My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no

Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem

Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert

*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is

For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.

guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?

co-worker with a ponytail: karate

I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.

[inventing eggnog]

Exec: Gag them, but festively.

I’m quitting drinking for a year.

*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.

Sorry, punctuation is everything.

[framing store]

SALESPERSON: how can I help you

ME: make it look like my wife did a murder

[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]

ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day

old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame

just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️