Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.

Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?

Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.

Banker: What?

Me: What?

You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*

Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.

I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.

[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin

“Dad?”

“Yes, son?”

“Where do busboys come from?”

“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?

*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*

*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*

ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear

My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.

I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.

Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me

Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-

Me: *glares*

Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.

Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009

I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.

I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.

[police lineup]

Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”

Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”

How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?

Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??

That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes

You: Sitting down to eat

Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?

shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream

me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*

Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?

FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.

Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.

Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens

Batman: You’re hired

I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.

Step 1: achieve tumescence.

Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.

I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”

Top 5 forms of torture

5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro

The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.

I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.

I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.