Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.

Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.

I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.

I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.

son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]

If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.

Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.

[1st date]

Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster

Him: we should check out my hot-tub later

Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*

Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.

I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.

That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.

when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:

this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.

Me: promise you won’t show anyone?

Him: promise

*sends pics

H: that’s pics of fruit snacks

M: you said you wanted pics of my goods

man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single

My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:

“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”

“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”

“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”

*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?

i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking

i saw someone a few weeks ago say “if brain eating bacteria got into your head it would starve” and i’ve been saying it to people since. just incredible. a really great insult

A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.

[inventing jogging]

how can I suffer but with music

Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare

Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.

Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”

Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you

Cats: no it’s murder

Boss: Did you have anything to add?

Me: I totally agree. That’s why I only buy real butter.

Boss: Do… do you think this meeting is about the company’s gross margarine?

A mechanical frog is called a ribot.

Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while

Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it

If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.

Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.

My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.