me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
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My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
i want to work in this restaurant
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*