Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At Toys R Us:

TRU: Yessir?

Me: I want a light saber.

TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?

Me: 40ish

If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.

they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it

I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.

Seekh Kebab
Not attention

Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack

Who called it life jacket not aquaguard

I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.

Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.

BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.

[at Doctor’s office]

“When’s the last time you had sex?”

Last night.

“With a male or female?”

Oh…with another person?

Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.

An M&M.

In half.

[Arrested for prank calling police]

Cop: You get one phone call

Me: ok

*cop’s phone rings*

Me: is your refrigerator running

[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet

me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining

agent: what’s it called

me: Actually Love

I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.

Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.

Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!

Cat: I just want to be friends.

Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you

God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it

I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.

No. He’s not coming out to play

Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode

“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”

Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*

Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!

When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.

[Farmer’s market]

Me: One of your finest farmers plz

Farmer: That’s not how this works

Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own

My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.

That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.

“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.