Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.

I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point

Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.

me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*

Traffic fantasy:

– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me

“You’re a nice guy”

One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ

my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35

me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”

Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.

i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat

BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…

Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”

BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later

Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume

Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?

Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.

There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.

Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.

Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.

You’ll make me nervous.

Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.

you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.

Dear women who just gave birth,

Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.

Sincerely,
The rest of the human race

My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.

Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?

4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*

My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.

Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.

And now the cops are here…..

If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.

1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”

2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”

Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.

Me: I can’t stand them more.

Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.

Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.