Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
You Might Also Like
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Love is always patient and kind.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.