I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
me: [getting out of the shower]
me: don’t you mean OOOoooOOoo
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(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Dance like no one is threatening to call the police if you don’t take your boombox and leave the Christian Science Reading Room immediately.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich