@notnotscotty

me: [getting out of the shower]

ghost: EWWwwwWWww

me: don’t you mean OOOoooOOoo

ghost: NOOoooOOoo

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@Dawn_M_

I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.

@bobvulfov

(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang

@KenJennings

Dance like no one is threatening to call the police if you don’t take your boombox and leave the Christian Science Reading Room immediately.

@AnnaKendrick47

My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.

@ADHDeanASL

My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night

@Snikoggs

[Job Interview]

“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”

“36”

“That’s not even close”

“But it was quick”

@CakeThrottle

If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager

@heatherlou_

I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.

@InternetHippo

an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me