Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.

My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture

I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.

self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings

elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races

My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.

Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it

Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”

Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”

The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.

If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.

BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house

I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.

I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.

No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.

Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.

I know that now.

Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.

Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you

Me: But I couldn’t stop myself

Murderer: But you could of

Me: oh no

So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.

I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?

I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.

Sometimes it’s in my bra.

me: [kicking leaves in the park]

wife: how are you getting your leg so high

excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though

“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.

5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.

So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.

If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?

What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.

So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.

What do you call it when a zoo paints common animals to look like more exotic species?

Fake Gnus

UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes

When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”

My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”