Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”

I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:

Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1

[being murdered]

Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?

If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.

Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.

Me: Like this?

Friend: No, not like that

Me: How about now?

Friend: Please stop

Me:

Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.

*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer

me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?

I fixed the internet, am tech genius

*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working

My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.

A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else

*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]

me: *walking my dog*

her: ah, what’s he called?

my dog: john

This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.

my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this

one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by

If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.

I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.

the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards

At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments

On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.

ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.

CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute

ME: sure of course no problem

How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?

Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme

The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.

ME: [standing in the rain]

STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella

ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.

Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?

[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]

Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!

Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!

the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am