*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
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You call it Witness Protection, I call it Hide and Seek.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
{meeting a beautiful woman who is actually into me} This looks like a job for The Fumbler
older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.