Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos

I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.

The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.

Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.

If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?

Taco bail.

I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.

I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.

Wrong hole! It’s too tight!

-me putting on my watch, you pervs

i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right

We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”

And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.

Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now

It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.

So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.

Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will

Ugh

[3am – a knock on the door]

me: jfc do u know what time it is?

salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time

me: *considers intensely* come in

There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.

My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate

Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*

Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.

Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”

It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.

I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.

Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.

A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!

If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up

[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”

[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude

I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.