Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I made you a CD.

Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.

I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child

[single drop of rain falls on ground]

Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.

How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’

Happy Febuary everyone!

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

I could start my day without coffee, but I like to say words, and put on clothes

I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.

I hope his new foster family is nice.

Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness

Astronomer: Hello

ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.

HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.

My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.

She’s stuck at work again.

Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.

I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.

Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.

whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro

if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation

My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on

me: can i get a burger ($5.99) with fries ($1.99) and a soda ($1.49)

cashier: sure that’ll be $25

me: ok

I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**

*me
**National Cheesecake Day

I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice

My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.

He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.

I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.

8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.

If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.

boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities

me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room

My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.

doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what

Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?

Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car

It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.

*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.