Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
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We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something
Buying a well is money well spent.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
*reading a bedtime story to kids in the 1800s*
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds & whey when all of a sudden robert ford shot jesse james in the back as he was hanging a picture, suddenly making interior decorating one of the most dangerous jobs in america
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
man: hey do you take walk-ins
cremator: excuse me what
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*