Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
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Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
omg leave her alone
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Passed by a old school Math example today.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way