Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…

Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!

Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?

My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.

Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon

when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market

I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.

i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.

Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.

*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly

Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.

I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in

Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?

Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons

me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”

Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.

Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.

[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day

[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up

Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY

Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?

ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise

Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”

Baby, it takes two to tango

But only one to tequila.

FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone

[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”

My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!

Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple

Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.

Wait….making the right choices is an option?!

I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart

My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.

A short story about romance.