Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed

me: just changing the oil

My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze

Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.

I’ve got this.

*grabs a hammer*

I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society

But my Dad did

[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*

Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use

Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap

I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky

I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.

My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.

I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.

Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email

Me: I don’t like scones.

British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.

Me: What do you mean?

British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-

Me: I dont think you like scones either.

You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.

Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.

don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead

me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…

judge: no it’s armed robbery

me: *clenches fist* about money

It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said

me: get out of your own head live in the now

also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings

old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia

covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.

As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant

He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices

Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.

[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin

Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?

*waits until you fall asleep*

*tests out his new retractable air horn*

I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.

Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.

Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé

At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.

My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.