Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only eat vegetarians.

#Caturday

I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car

Dr: How may I help?

Me: Wife says I’m overweight

D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands

[later]

Wife: How’d it go?

M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music

WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.

I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.

Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.

Little Red: I’m going to grandmas

Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy

Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?

Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun

Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.

My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.

[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”

I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit

Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.

me: i just don’t feel employable. no, beyond that. something is fundamentally broken or missing in me. i belong nowhere.

my landlord: Hey 😡👊 Don’t say that about my tenant 💔

It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated

Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.

Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.

I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.

[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.

2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*

1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself

12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean

Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?

Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.

Wife: You want to run a business?

Me: Business?

You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.

4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.

“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”

-butter

did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past

i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili

Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice

Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?

Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.