Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”

The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.

“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”

9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.

“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”

“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”

I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.

Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]

Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.

Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!

The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.

Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.

Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.

[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot

You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.

Me, in DM rooms…

Haunted house ideas:

-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room

I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.

Send cake.

Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.

I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”

I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.

Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst

Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road

Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.

Hey i am sexy to you now

The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,

I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.

“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”

There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.

To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.

I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.

Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.

I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.