Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
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*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?
dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
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me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?