Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]

To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.

just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here

WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .

Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold

My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”

And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”

Took three Ambiens and tried to call God on the microwave

I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…

me logging onto twitter

ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft

2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”

My 2 year old woke up.

5 minutes of “Mommy!”

5 minutes of “Mommy?”

Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.

My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”

Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.

Sincerely,
Santa Claus.

My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.

Children really brighten up a home.

They never turn the lights off…

A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.

Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.

I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed

Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*

Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.

Me: *starts another book while I wait*

*two hours later*

Libby app: Your hold is ready.

Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes

Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.

That 👊

I PASSED THE BAR!

On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!

We are never ever ever getting back together 🎶

Tupperware lids

[talking to a date]

“I hate rushing into relationships.”

[talking to a new friend]

“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”

“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!

“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”

– People who haven’t met me yet

Hey big accounts –

What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?

My cat would be dead before I got 50

I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.