Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour

[Thor Love and Thunder]

me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR

cinema guy: please stop doing this

“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”

“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”

Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware

Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.

[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?

Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.

My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.

I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office

Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end

Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately

That worked out so much differently in my head.

– an autobiography

Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.

Me: Oh, because of the virus?

Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.

How do you fix a broken condom?

Rubber cement.

me during winter: will I ever love again

me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road

If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.

Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”

Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.

Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”

Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax

Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered

4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away

5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*

5:10AM: *alarm goes off*

teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration

me: oh wow, alread-

teachers: your kid has to bring something in

me: oh ok, sure what shou-

teachers: 100 somethings

”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…

The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”

I whispered back, “bring pizza”

I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”

me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.

Coworker: What book you reading there?

Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’

CW:…

Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.

My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas

My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.

My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.