Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted

Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.

This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.

Me: table for two

Hostess: did you have reservations

Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now

*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”

Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.

I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes

She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”

I’d help her, but I want to see if this works

Waiter: May I recommend the steak?

Dracula: You may not

“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.

I met a married woman today, she’s been married for 45 years . I asked her what’s the secret – how did they do it?

She said they the secret is that her and husband never wanted a divorce at the same time

I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.

Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.

I will do some shady shit for a mocha.

Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!

*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*

mama: stop that!

monkeys: why hahaha

mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you

I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings

Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.

Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving

Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.

“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.

“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”

~me, never

My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever

ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.

GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.

ANGEL:

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-

Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that

Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet

Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours

Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.

Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.

[first day as an Orderly]

*gets fired for disorderly conduct*

my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store