Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??

8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be

Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant

They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.

If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.

[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo

White parent Vs Arab parents

How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?

I’m so lazy I let my battles pick me

My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.

I treat people the way I want to be treated by not leaving the house.

Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake

Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.

Cashier: you’re 8 cents short

Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide

Cashier: no

Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now

[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ａｌｗａｙｓ

Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward

Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise

Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty

shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms

Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.

I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.

[Commercial for ulcer medication]

“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”

Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?

I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.

i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”

I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.

“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.

*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”

If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.

family: we’re having ground turkey this year

me: okay but how do you know that turkey couldn’t fly

Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.

Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.

7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.