Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
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Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order.
I then picked the movie and pizza because I’m the one with the money
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
me: my daughter wants to be a princess, and my son wants to be a bank robber
coworker: what adorable costumes!
me: costumes?
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Its true…
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I’ve had relationships like this
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Got fired from Goldman Sachs for insisting that you can’t have a board meeting without charcuterie
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
