me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
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“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
You know…for fall…
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
my cartoon in the New Yorker this week
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*