Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich

If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.

*installs google translate*

*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*

*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*

They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.

Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?

Me: Please face the front

Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*

Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.

Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.

I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.

The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess

Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.

When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.

Once again in Alien Covenant we are leaning over the Alien egg……..

interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop

suspect: you mean bad cop?

interrogator: no

suspect: i confess.

Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔

Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE

Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.

I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.

7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL

My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man

ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*

You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it

Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.

I like my women how I like my microwaved food.

Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.

COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha

ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild

Gary born

Gary child

Gary teenager

Gary middle-aged

Gary Oldman

My diet was going really well until I woke up.

[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]

me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*

I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.

People I hate when I’m driving:

1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.