Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
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The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Can’t believe I ruined my diet again, went over by one gram of uranium (18 million calories)
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
To whoever stole my over sized clock, you owe me big time.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.