Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean

Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules

Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.

Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.

I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.

neighborhood watch

[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best

Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.

a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.

I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue

Please don’t say you have wasted 365 days of 2024. You actually wasted 366 days. 2024 was a fucking leap year bro

Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69

Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy

ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped

[first day in hell]

Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.

Satan: Muahaha!

Me: The air…it’s moist.

Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.

Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.

Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.

Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.

Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.

every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.

If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.

NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace

My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours

Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive

Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.

Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”

recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro

cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow

I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.

Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!

Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?

I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.