Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
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When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo
[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
I asked my wife 3 weeks ago to sit down and watch Evangelion with me for the first time.
She said yes.
Part ways through the first episode she asks:
“I wonder when we meet Evan.”
I asked, who?
She replies: “Evan. The guy the show’s named after. Evan Gelion.”
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake