Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
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well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
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Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
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