Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
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if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
