ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
You Might Also Like
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory