Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: Si

This is why I’m crazy.

angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”

There should be a safe word for small talk:

“So how about this weather we’re hav -”

“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”

Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor

People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.

Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.

Just show up everyday and be consistent.

Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.

running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way

I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.

Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.

If you leave your cart in the middle of the aisle while you go get something, I feel like it’s ok to run you over with said cart.

Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.

No. He’s not coming out to play

I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.

Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars

My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”

When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜

Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!

When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”

My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.

[at a movie theater]

Cashier: Can I help u?

Me: One large cornpop please

C: Sir it’s the other way around

Me: Ok- can I help u?

My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.

me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.

do you like vampires?

🟩 Nosferatu

✅ Yesferatu

For anyone that’s still confused here’s a cheat sheet for this week.

Sun
Idk
Wtf
Idk
Idk
Wtf
Sat

Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒

Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…

Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.

I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.

“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”

Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”