Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.

*flashlight under chin*

Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.

*all the adults scream*

My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.

Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?

Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?

detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene

crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers

Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.

If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.

If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.

I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.

[pulled over]

COP: Did you know you were speeding?

ME: I didn’t even know I was driving

COP: Out

oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.

Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-

*saxophone solo*

INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.

I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity

WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you

[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]

ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run

People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.

Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”

[my funeral]

college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.

If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?

I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers

Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.

All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough

Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.

I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???

There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.

If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.

This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely

My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.

*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*

ME: i trained this chicken to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: what’s a male deer

CHICKEN: buck

ME: how much is 200 pennies

CHICKEN: buck buck

HER: this sucks

ME: it gets better

CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen

I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir