Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Is that your dog?”

“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”

[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.

I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…

I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.

The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia

Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?

*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*

Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.

[first day as a detective]

me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?

zz top: yes sir

me: and she knows how to use them?

zz top: that’s right

me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning

doctor: get ready to say “aaah”

me: why are we on the roof

*steps out of time machine*

SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?

ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…

Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up

There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery

I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.

ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…

My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.

What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?

I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another

I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.

She’s an animal in bed.

I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.

If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.

If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.

This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts

what are they serving at kfc then???

My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas

[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.

listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes

BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward

Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating

I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.

me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate

gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast

lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose

God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell

lucifer: what?

If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.

anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?

My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16

Thinking about a snail with a limp