Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that

Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?

Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.

She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.

It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.

Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from police

On the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride

Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.

One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.

[first date]

I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.

*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*

-Yeah, totally.

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton

Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-

Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity

Professor X: welcome aboard

If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.

Me:

One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master

There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.

The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:

– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us

(first week into weight watchers)

You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?

When I hear the noises of the house settling, I wonder what kind of owner it really wanted.

My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time

I love using food in the bedroom!

But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…

I mayo may not.

japanese corn

DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog

A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.

She’s obviously a newbie.

Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour

Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?

Wife: Did you check in the shower?

Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!

Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.

My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’

Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?

Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.

I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry

Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?

Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.

[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now

I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.

Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.

*whispers* forlorn corn.