Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.

[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close

*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.

Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?

On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.

[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo

I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.

Send bail money.

Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.

I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.

Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.

My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)

Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!

It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.

God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”

“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung

I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.

My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again

Me, crying: yes

My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again

Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes

Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.

No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.

I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal

How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?

Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”

That’s not in the rules!

Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.

I have a confession…

I don’t like Oreos.

And it feels so great getting that off my chest!

*blocked by all of Twitter*

You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.

National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?

Billion dollar technology idea:

A printer that works

I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.