Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
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Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Never forget.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?
Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.