ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
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Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
getting cute, going outside and just f*rting freely because you’re too pretty for people to suspect you ☺️
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Also, I’ll tell my mom
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.