Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.

Me [on fire]: HOW

Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit

BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU

ME: [wakes up] finally

BOOGEYMAN: what?

ME: let’s do this

BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it

ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour

BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]

at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further

no one likes gloating

Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.

Things a raccoon and I have in common:

1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.

me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt

bf: ur what

me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok

bf: the what

me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—

bf: wh—

me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy

I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.

Rambo Rambow

my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after

Me: To the window; to the wall.

Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.

My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.

[High School Reunion]

Him: I started my own Law Firm last year

Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story

Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.

To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.

just wait til i figure out what algorithm means

Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.

Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.

4-year-old: What’s that?

Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.

*eats her bacon*

Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach

I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.

I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.

[during sex]

Him: punish me baby

Me: OK *hides the TV remote*

Him: that’s not what i m—

Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*

Him: omg please, stop

My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno

Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:

Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?

CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History

CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?

CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour

ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5

12YO: that’s not how it works

ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?

12YO: both?

2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it

I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing

So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns