Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*

BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?

ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses

Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.

I’m THIS MANY drunk!!

*holds up waffle*

Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?

Hey, fellas

I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache

I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.

Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.

Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?

Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan

I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.

Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.

My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”

If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…

I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.

We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man

Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.

[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy

I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything

If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.

I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.

Me: I’m really at the end of my rope

Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING

[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks

Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*

Me: Delete it.

My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.

If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?

According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.

Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby

I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.

Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.

Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl

What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.