Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.

Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”

today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.

fedex guy: here’s your package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces

I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway

I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it

There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.

Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.

*At the local breakfast restaurant

Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?

Me: Reese’s

How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant

This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.

A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.

Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”

Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.

The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse

Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?

Women: 9:45am on Monday at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002

never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes

why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean

ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No

“You have too much stuff”

– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house

Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!

Have you ever gone hiking through the mountains for several days? When you finally arrive at your campsite and you drop the 40lb sack you’ve been carrying on your back, you feel reborn. You feel free again. Anyways, both of my kids are staying with their grandparents this week.

girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death

Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*

*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in

Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing

No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.

Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.

On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.

Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”

Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.