Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”

[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”

Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.

Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes

*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*

FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92

Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it

Me: *slowly opens pizza box*

Alien: dude

In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.

[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.

traffic be dumb as hell cause what that first person in line be doing

My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.

It was me.

The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.

me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size

wife: is that danny devito

Date: I like old fashioned guys

Me: I have polio

What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”

Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.

“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”

me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY

me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying

” Don’t be upset”

Thanks man , I needed to be told that

I’m better now.

Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.

Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer

[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]

[me to the fridge] you had one job

Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.

911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed

Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed

A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.

SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE

*beats arachnophobia*

*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*

*fears spiders again*

“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”

*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*

Me: Street Fight

H: where did you move after your divorce?

Me: On.
I moved on.

HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF

Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…

so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.

[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg

Patient: It’s only a sore throat!

Me: I just really want to try out my new saw