Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
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Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Happy Halloween 🎃
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.