Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
You Might Also Like
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
(Gaming support cat.)
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
sensitive skin
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Good morning.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
mercury is no longer in retrograde so never trust a cow bc the sun can’t swim.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.