Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“The Perfect Relationship”

Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.

My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.

I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume

sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers

I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.

*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*

“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”

[5 minutes later]

*Throws refrigerator out window*

Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.

“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”

You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.

I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.

-Everyone’s mom

My family likes to play this game called “let’s leave dry fucking toothpaste in the sink until it hardens and we need dynamite just to remove it”

🤭

her: isn’t my baby beautiful

me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…precious

her: you said all of that out loud

We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.

(Showing off new car)

Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?

Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one

Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.

He cooked 2 sausages.

I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.

You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?

Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”

Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0

I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.

[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now

*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*

Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.

*Runs 6 miles*

*Adds Kenyan to resume*

How do you like your Corgi?

If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.

ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler

No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.

Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.

lmfao come on