Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.

a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard

8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?

me: wut

8:

me: OH hush puppies?

8: oh. Yea

[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down

[sound of can opening]

wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?

me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday

wife: but we’re still at church

There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.

George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.

I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”

“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”

-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets

I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?

Steve Austin: nice to meet you

Medusa: the pleasure is mine

Stone Cold Steve Austin:

If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.

Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.

i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes

We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.

A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.

Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.

[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car

waiter: do you have any questions about the menu

me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats

Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.

Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels

The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.

The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will finally be complete

Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.

Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.

My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.

me: how’d the date go

friend: i got ghosted

me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out

My love language is deader than Latin

Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!

America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.