Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
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Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.