Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…

Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”

20s: I’m on top of the world!

50s: stop the world I want to get off!

I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.

i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.

agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer

me: it’s off the table

agent: {muffled} ..what about the second

me: also off the table

agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then

me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here

First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes

Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh

sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news

[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive

*Tries to get makeup off*

Makeup: I have a boyfriend.

I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”

day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home

I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.

Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?

Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes

Therapist: So around what, five?

Me: Seven this morning

My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…

58 seconds…

58 whole seconds…

Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”

…where was that attitude on our wedding night???

If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?

Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.

BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.

BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.

[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]

HER: So what kind of car do you drive?

ME: A bookmobile.

The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”

I whispered back, “bring pizza”

i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined

Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.

I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.

Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today

i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot

*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*

Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now

Girl: I love Medieval Art

Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now

Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?

I come from a time of excessive Durans.

Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.

Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.