Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

U U U U U U

An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.

My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk

Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.

Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.

Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?

My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window

I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.

78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…

I’m no longer his favourite kid.

Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!

Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.

these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]

If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.

Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit

Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise

Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper

I suck at flirting I’ll be like “is that so?”

Most annoying times to be attacked by bees

3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit

Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.

Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.

Sub-Zero: You first.

Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.

I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.

How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.

Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.

Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach

I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”

You said imagine my life without you…

So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.

My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu

showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut

My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.

I’m so blessed.

Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer

if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”

wtf management?!

“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”

She is very cute, has great energy! 😂

All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…