Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?

Me: How’s it going?

Coworker: Can’t complain.

Me: Try harder.

Coworker: Life is meaningless.

Me: Atta boy.

You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.

[at interview]

INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?

ME: Peter Piper.

INTERVIEWER: What does he do?

ME: It’s difficult to say.

😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪

It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.

Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.

A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice

I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”

I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.

My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?

Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*

My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.

Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.

[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?

Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.

The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.

Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???

Dog: meh

Me *falls asleep*

Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out

If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”

I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.

stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.

accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again

Coworker: Do you have any snacks?

Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?

Coworker:

Me: Top desk drawer.

Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?

Me: What if the seller is a murderer?

Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?

You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.

Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.

[finishing dinner]

her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉

me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?

her: no, but-

me: let’s stay

last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window

If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.

Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.

guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics

I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞