Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
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WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Just once I’d like to be the DJ at an extravagant, subversive Goth masquerade ball and just throw on “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys when they least suspect it
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
When news reporters do sports stories
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?