Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch

who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees

i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader

Me: Those shoes are fresh!

12: Mom. No.

Me: Don’t be whack.

boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.

me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?

My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.

Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.

So what does everyone do with their dryer lint

Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.

Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.

My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”

“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.

To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.

[being murdered at Best Buy]

Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty

Pessimist: it’s half empty

Optimist: it’s half full

Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?

I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.

[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT

just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss

[on a movie date]

me: wanna kiss

date: no thanks

me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u

Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?

[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]

if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie

I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend

me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards

cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok

FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.

Daughter: dada what are you watching?

Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.

Son: what’s it about?

Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.

[later]

Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?

Me: no idea lol.

Salad is the decaf of food.

How to get a woman:

1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep driving

She’s yours now, plus you have a new car.

COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!

Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.