Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.

🎵 I can’t wait to

You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.

My favorite state to visit?

Unconsciousness

PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.

Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people

My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.

Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!

Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy

My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin

Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”

I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.

I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.

Advantage: human.

I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on

This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is

Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.

Wife: Who gets the raptors?

I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.

it’s so awesome that once a month i’m like “I HAVE to die. this feeling is 100% real and caused by the circumstances of my life” and then the next day I get my period

4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?

Barber: Do you want to see the back?

Me: Sure

*2 minutes later*

Barber: So, this is the staff room.

TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.

ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.

Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear

Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.

[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions

wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep

Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy

I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.

In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.

the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister

omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺

The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad

I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”

I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.