Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it”.

[in bed, 6 AM]

Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY

Stock market update:

Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok

ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best

“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”

-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.

robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?

I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.

in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.

i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”

then i left to go do drugs

Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out

I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.

your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone

Waiter: how did u find your meal

Me: *sweating* i…i looked down

“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says

hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities

Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.

Morning.

Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this

Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack

Me: *takes off my clothes*

Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.

ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?

Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.

This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?

My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.

once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”

Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: I don’t even know why I exist.

How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.

Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.

After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.

*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*

This is how I live now.

The timeline of microwave popcorn:

< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential