ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
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Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Worst Native American name ever.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.
Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Are you a hero about to fight some baddies? Here are some battle cry ideas to strike fear into your enemies’ hearts:
* Hot buttery death!
* HR will hear about this!
* I’m as strong as fifty men and as crazy as a thousand raccoons!
* Brenda!
* Don’t hit me! I’m telling Mom!
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.