ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
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Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
The hardest part about people walking into my office, is convincing them that I have a cat when they spot the litter box.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
TSA guy searched my bag. Found my idol light sticks.
Him: “The hell are these? Mini Yoda lightsabers?
Me: “Oh they’re just light sticks. For concerts and stuff.”He then fucking leaned in and did a Yoda voice.
“MMH. MASTER RAVER, I AM.” He said.
Blindsided me.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
How to wake up a Beagle
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.